I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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