I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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