My cat gives me a boner
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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