How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
