I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I love you. Go after that dick
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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