you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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