The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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