When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
