somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
