I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
