ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So apparently I’m into choking now
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