Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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