She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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