You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
