I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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