Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
don't judge my taste in strippers
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
