Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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