He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
