Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
