Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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