I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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