We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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