shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
