dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There r osticjed everywhere
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
