I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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