I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
