my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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