Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
