My first STD was from a foam party
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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