Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
