"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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