someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I would ride that face into the sunset
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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