I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
