I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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