I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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