I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
