I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
