I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
