I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
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I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
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I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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