I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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