Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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