He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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