I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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