shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i now understand why vodka
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
