I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
