This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.