If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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