It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
