if you like me you must not know who I am
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i think i have herpe
just one?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
