I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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