Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The feeling are messing with the penis
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
