You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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