Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
