I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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