Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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