i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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