fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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