god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
