If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
